Hot Nuts

(Quadcooler)

Do you like being worried about things you would have never thought you'd have to worry about? If you said yes, well, you're in luck, read on. If you're a man, the laptop you're most likely reading this on is melting your testicles and killing your sperm. That is if you hold your laptop in your lap anyway. According to this article by pcmag this is old news; not really to me but whatever, apparently we've all supposed to have been using some sort of lap top pad. Well, guess what, those preventative lap top pads aren't preventing anything.

Now I suppose this makes some sort of sense but you’d figure this would just be an old wives tale. Like, “oh you better put something under that laptop you want to have children someday don’t you?” How ridiculous does that sound? It’s right up there with not being able to keep your cell phone in your pocket, apparently everything kills your sperm/ gives you cancer.

My assumptions would be wrong though, because this is happens to be a big enough concern to some people, that urologists at SUNY Stony Brook have been doing research on this topic. In what must have been a very awkward study, 29 men were brought into a lab and, that’s right, had their scrotal temperatures measured. I’m not positive on the exact technique the urologists used but one could assume that it wasn’t the most comfortable of situations.

The subjects were tested in a number of different positions, and what was found wasn’t awesome. Subjects who sat with a their laptop on a pad with their legs spread, in other words as uncomfortable as you could sit, noticed the smallest change in temperature, but still suffered from “scrotal hyperthermia”. In laymen’s terms, your balls are getting too hot. It’s safe to say that any unsuspecting gentleman who uses their laptop on their lap is suffering from this cheerful little ailment.

What’s even better about this is that the difference in temperature is hardly noticeable, so every time you’ve ever had to peel proverbial “gum off the wall” your sperm was most likely experiencing a mass genocide. There really isn’t anything to do about it either besides use a desk, which sucks because desks are for chumps. The whole point of the laptop is so that you can use it while you watch TV, well maybe not the whole point, but either way it seems as though the whole lap part really played large role in the idea behind the design.

I feel like for the most part I and every other male have gone through life doing things to protect Jimmy and the Twins from being damaged. We do things like wear cups, make rules in sports against the infamous low blow, and ladies, for god’s sake maybe the most important… no teeth.  The point here is that we go to great lengths to protect Benny and the Jets from impacts and here we are with a new, silent killer. However, for the most part, I’m not sure that this study would really change the way that men use their laptops, mainly because it might end up being a convenience. Picture yourself saying this: “don’t worry baby we don’t need a condom I did a lot of typing today, my balls are scorching.”