Hot Nuts

(Quadcooler)

Do you like being worried about things you would have never thought you'd have to worry about? If you said yes, well, you're in luck, read on. If you're a man, the laptop you're most likely reading this on is melting your testicles and killing your sperm. That is if you hold your laptop in your lap anyway. According to this article by pcmag this is old news; not really to me but whatever, apparently we've all supposed to have been using some sort of lap top pad. Well, guess what, those preventative lap top pads aren't preventing anything.

Now I suppose this makes some sort of sense but you’d figure this would just be an old wives tale. Like, “oh you better put something under that laptop you want to have children someday don’t you?” How ridiculous does that sound? It’s right up there with not being able to keep your cell phone in your pocket, apparently everything kills your sperm/ gives you cancer.

My assumptions would be wrong though, because this is happens to be a big enough concern to some people, that urologists at SUNY Stony Brook have been doing research on this topic. In what must have been a very awkward study, 29 men were brought into a lab and, that’s right, had their scrotal temperatures measured. I’m not positive on the exact technique the urologists used but one could assume that it wasn’t the most comfortable of situations.

The subjects were tested in a number of different positions, and what was found wasn’t awesome. Subjects who sat with a their laptop on a pad with their legs spread, in other words as uncomfortable as you could sit, noticed the smallest change in temperature, but still suffered from “scrotal hyperthermia”. In laymen’s terms, your balls are getting too hot. It’s safe to say that any unsuspecting gentleman who uses their laptop on their lap is suffering from this cheerful little ailment.

What’s even better about this is that the difference in temperature is hardly noticeable, so every time you’ve ever had to peel proverbial “gum off the wall” your sperm was most likely experiencing a mass genocide. There really isn’t anything to do about it either besides use a desk, which sucks because desks are for chumps. The whole point of the laptop is so that you can use it while you watch TV, well maybe not the whole point, but either way it seems as though the whole lap part really played large role in the idea behind the design.

I feel like for the most part I and every other male have gone through life doing things to protect Jimmy and the Twins from being damaged. We do things like wear cups, make rules in sports against the infamous low blow, and ladies, for god’s sake maybe the most important… no teeth.  The point here is that we go to great lengths to protect Benny and the Jets from impacts and here we are with a new, silent killer. However, for the most part, I’m not sure that this study would really change the way that men use their laptops, mainly because it might end up being a convenience. Picture yourself saying this: “don’t worry baby we don’t need a condom I did a lot of typing today, my balls are scorching.”

If you can't beat em' ban em'

 I think we need to pump the brakes a little bit, the past two weeks haven't been the best for "things that are fun". Four Lokos and happy meals have been the targets as of late. During these two weeks we've seen San Francisco start a seemingly progressive trend in banning McDonald's happy meals because of childhood obesity being on the rise. Also, we've seen Four Lokos, the drink that ensures you'll have a great time you wont ever remember, starting to be banned by college campuses across the country.

Let's lead off with the happy meals... San Fransisco, the city that's famous for an orange bridge and male on male butt sex, is having a morality issue with happy meals being served at McDonald's. This doesn't say much for the parenting abilities of SanFriscans since the primary consumers of happy meals don't generally have the means to acquire them on their own. Let's face it, there are a couple of things that we can assume about San Fransisco. Firstly, no one is eating at McDonald's, they're all driving their Priuses to Whole Foods where they can be assured they're dining on meats and vegetables that are of the finest quality. Secondly, everybody's gay. Now, if watching Modern Family has taught us anything, it's that gay men love adopting Asian babies, and apart from sumo wrestlers, when's the last time you saw a fat Asian?

Four Lokos is a great idea, the creators have successfully developed something that men, and more importantly women, will willingly and enthusiastically drink and then proceed to energetically make terrible decisions. There isn't much I can find wrong with Four Lokos except for that it didn't gain popularity when I was in college. Combining alcohol, caffeine, and a little flavoring to make it tasty, Phusion Projects, the creating company, has effectively made it popular to roofie yourself.

It's a drink that can definitely make your night more interesting. During pregame activities, one can somewhat be able to predict in what direction the night might lead. Starting the night playing beer pong could definitely lead to waking up in your own vomit, but, in general, sticking to beer will make for a pretty tame night. Starting with shots and funnels could lead in a number of directions, random hookups, fights, the toilet etc. Writing from the point of view of someone who is marginally hungover at the moment, my night was filled beer and vodka red bulls, apart from some fist pumping and the inevitable alleyway pee, it was a pretty normal night. The main theme of these different pregames is that while you will end up drunk in the end, you likely won't end up naked in the woods with an ass ache, unless you're pregaming with Four Lokos.

Banning these fun things will certainly make life less interesting and will take away from our experiences. If we don't have kids being raised on happy meals, there will be no more fat people to laugh at, and that's definitely a sad thought. If things like Four Lokos go away, there are certainly going to be less chances to watch one of your friends try to fight a police officer, only to end up screaming like a girl while being tazered.

(Four Lokos Pic) (Happy Meal Pic)

  An article on cnet claims that a trend has been discovered as to when relationships on Facebook end. David McCandless, whom I've never heard of either, is apparently someone who takes an interest in compiling useless data (I don't actually know exactly what he does, I tried to figure it out and, besides this Facebook thing, it all seemed very uninteresting... however, if you feel like looking go here). He presented this idea at the TED conference, also which I've never heard of but am now fascinated with, in England.
According to McCandless' findings, who found the data by scouring status updates on facebook, relationships are most likely to end right before Christmas and the other peak time was in March, which he attributed to college Spring Break period.

This is interesting because most people who are getting into, and getting out of facebook relationships, are young people either in, or recently out of college, or sometimes in high school. It really kind of shows how we think, there's a number of things that could explain the period right before Christmas. For instance, you're a female, a freshman at college, who has recently entered into a mid first semester relationship at college, likely at a fraternity Halloween party. Now, being a first semester freshman female at college, this also means that you're a slut, who most likely met your new boy while he held your legs during a keg stand in a damp, crowded, basement. One might also infer that while the two of you are also very much in love, since you've been dating forever, almost a month, that going to your separate homes for Thanksgiving break is going to be unbearable.

Well, it's finally here, the last week in November, it's time to head back home to eat turkey. Your parents pick you up in a different dorm than they remember dropping you off at in September, obviously because you and your boyfriend romantically spend every night together. You get in the car, your father, visibly ashamed, tries to convince himself that your new friend Maria lives in this dorm and she happens to be a bigger girl, who's also a huge Bears fan explaining the over-sized Urlacher jersey and the pair of heels you happen to be wearing. The two of you obviously had a sleepover and decided to trade some of your clothing for the break.

You arrive at home and begin to receive text messages from your high school friends talking about parties and various other gatherings that will be happening this week. You, being the social butterfly that you are, will definitely be in attendance. While partying in your hometown, you commence drinking and begin to go on to your girlfriends about how you don't remember the last time you really cut loose since you're tied down now. Some time passes and you continue to drink, your ex-boyfriend, your first true love, turns the corner in what seems like slow motion. You lay eyes on him and immediately approach, the two of you head to his red Mustang, the old stomping grounds. You begin to hook up and quickly get into a fight because that's what you do, you march back inside to take a shot, and proceed to hook up with his best friend. Now, deeply enveloped in the drama of your hometown, you begin to be concerned only with the goings on here and start to forget about the troubles of college. You start to forget about a lot of things as you head to local bars using your fake ID and start hooking up with older, more mature guys you remember being years ahead of you in high school.

The break ends and you head back to school seeing your boyfriend who you've missed dearly. You start crying, telling him everything is moving too fast you'll always remember what the two of you had but have to break up.

Conversely, your boyfriend, who is a Jr. has been here before. Clearly confused at the before mentioned events, didn't realize that the two of you were boyfriend and girlfriend. He, being a rational human being, and knowing this situation, thought it better not to mention this. Shrugging his shoulders he watches you walk down the dorm hallway crying, deeply relieved in knowing that, one, you weren't crying because you found out you were pregnant, and two, he wasn't going to have to worry about whether or not to buy you a Christmas present.

The Spring break season obviously has similar reasons for couples breaking up, Cancun is often the site for random acts of infidelity. In a country where drinking water isn't an option, it's apparent that much of your time in Mexico will be fueled by tequila. While this leads to many arbitrary drunken hookups your time south of the border will most likely be very well documented, and consequently, all over facebook. A girlfriend knowing that her boyfriend is down in Cancun for spring break will surely be hitting refresh on his profile waiting for a tag, or a random friend request, waiting for the chance to ask him "who are those whores you're with!?"

This guy McCandless might be onto something since the trend in breakups makes a lot of sense. So if you are a man who happens to be dating a complete whore, you can probably assume you won't have to buy an extra gift for the holidays this year. If you're a female who happens to be dating a man who lives life on the "thrifty" or "cheap" side, well you may as well not make plans to introduce him to the fam because he'd rather dump your ass than dip into the beer fund to buy you a present.

(inquisitr) (source)